Belly Born

CW: birth trauma, postpartum depression, NICU hospitalization

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I never imagined I’d need to have a C-section. 

I’m ashamed to admit that I definitely looked down upon the idea, thinking it didn’t really count as giving birth or meant a woman wasn’t strong enough to give birth the “normal” way.

I had prepared myself with relaxing hypnobirthing techniques and practices and was so sure I’d have the calm, natural birth that my heart was set on.

What happened instead was so very different from my dreams, but to my great surprise, has radically changed my life for the better.

I labored for almost two whole days with Tony. I stayed calm and relaxed as they told me I could no longer roam the hallways and began the pitocin drip I had hoped to avoid. I kept breathing as discomfort kept me from sleep and I threw up the tiny bit of jello they allowed me to eat. Eventually, I accepted the epidural in hopes I might be able to rest and get things moving. I was disappointed but accepted that plans change. None of it was really that bad, but maybe that was the “problem”. My contractions weren’t strong enough to really move things forward and as it had been so long since my water broke, the doctor began to get worried. They went to place an additional heart rate sensor on the baby’s head and that must have upset his perfect little bubble. 

Anthony’s heart rate dropped and never quite picked itself up. They rushed an oxygen mask on me, turned me on my side and he recovered a bit. About 20-30 minutes later, the nurses said I was dilated enough to push and just as we counted down, his heart rate dropped dramatically and I knew. I heard the “Code P” over the hospital speaker system as they prepped the bed to roll into surgery. I knew it was too late and I knew Troy wouldn’t be coming with me.  I said goodbye.

Troy gave me a nod. It was a goodbye, it was a “you got this”, it was an “I’m with you”. It was a prayer.

The surgery itself was worse than I expected. I thought I was numb. I thought I wouldn’t feel anything but I felt...everything. 

Most of the details are in my poem. It was physical pain, it was emotional pain, and it was so much fear. I prayed during that time and after, when we didn’t know how Anthony would live, like I’d never prayed before. 

Anthony’s birth, NICU stay, and health challenges have been the greatest challenges I’ve ever faced in my life. But, they’ve absolutely transformed my life. Recovering from my birth PTSD and PPD forced me to find new strength, to discover more about myself, and to heal. To heal, not just from the birth trauma, but from everything. I’ve healed from previous depression, from body insecurity, from emotional guilt. The wellness journey I began has transformed into a much more confident, centered, and positive person. It’s taken time and moved in little steps but I’m so grateful for who I am right now, in this time. Today, I wear my little smiley face scar as a badge of honor. I am grateful for the struggle because it’s made the joy so much sweeter. 

For all my C-section, PPD, and Birth Trauma Mamas, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you had to experience pain, fear, and sadness related to your birth experience. You are strong, worthy, and you birthed beautifully. May you find healing if you need it and please reach out if you need support in doing so. I’m here for you if I can be a listening ear or a loving spirit along your journey. Sending love and light to all.

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Belly Born

Mama,
I’m sorry birth didn’t go the way you wanted

I’m sorry you labored for two whole days
And when they finally told you
You could try to push
The line went flat

Mama,
I’m sorry they had to cut you open
And it hurt like hell when they
Rearranged your insides
With no one there to 
Hold your hand

I’m sorry 
When they pulled him out
He was blue
And you didn’t get to see him

Mama,
I’m sorry you had to hear that phrase
“We’re doing everything we can”
And you whispered
“Baby, baby, baby”
As the lights faded to black

I’m sorry you only had a minute
A brief stroke of tiny fingers
Through a glass box
Before he was gone 
And the little seat sat empty in the car

Mama,
I’m sorry you didn’t get to be the first
The first to see him
The first to hold him
The first to feed him

I’m sorry when you look into his sweet baby eyes
Eyes that see you 
As comfort
As joy
As all that is good and sacred
Eyes that know
You are the very definition of love
Part of you 
Worries
You’ll always look into those eyes
And feel like you failed him

Mama,
I’m sorry you feel it was all your fault
It wasn’t

I’m sorry you carried that guilt
So heavy it bent your back
And made you look down

But,
I’m not sorry it happened

I’m not sorry you cried
Not sorry it broke your heart so hard
You’d have to learn how to place it all back together

I’m not sorry you were forced 
To find new strength 
To push your head up 
To learn how to breathe
Under water

I’m not sorry you birthed a fighter 
Who has taught you more about
Love and presence
Than you ever thought possible

And yes, 
I said “birthed”
Because you birthed him beautifully
In pain,
In sacrifice,
In hope

Belly born
& birthed beautifully