Start Again

“I just woke up the last two days and I didn’t want to be Mom.”

“Thank you for saying that. I wish someone had told me that. I used to feel so guilty.”

My mom says this to me and I exhale.

It feels so good not to hold it in. To name it for what it is. Troy is so understanding of everything I go through but there’s something different about talking to another mom and having her validate what you’re experiencing.

These thoughts haunt me because I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way. And I do. I’ve come a long way from the worst of my postpartum depression but mornings like these take me back to shaking on the bed and thinking he needed a better Mommy.

I always find this phrase so affirming so If you’re reading and you need to hear it, “You are the perfect mother for your child.” You are perfect and you’re doing a great job.

“Being a mom is the most incomplete job in the world”, she tells me and that’s exactly how it feels.

So many days, I feel like I’m taking all the right steps and gosh darn it, I am trying so hard, yet everything keeps exploding around me. I’m proud of myself for mostly maintaining loving kindness with my son but it kills me when I slip up. He understands anger and frustration now and he looks at me like he’s not sure what happened and it brings all the pain back.

“Why can’t I do this?”

“Why am I so impatient all the time?”

“I’m not enjoying my time with him and I should be grateful for every moment.”

I am grateful for every moment and I know the challenges are part of the journey but this is so much harder on my heart than I ever could have expected.

I cried hard today and Tony came to comfort me. He sat on my lap and told me about garbage trucks and looked at me with love. I felt awful because I couldn’t stop crying. I breathed it all out and I cried. Cried and breathed. Breathed and cried.

The tears passed and this afternoon, when it was my turn to help him through his tears, I remembered his gentleness. His quiet presence and his little love. I waited. He accepted my arms and we started again.

And I think that’s the most important lesson. We may have to continue to sit through the storm but on the other side we can always, always, always start again.

- starting over - postpartum depression - motherhood - challenge - toddler - parenting - gentle parenting - loving kindness - mindful parenting - mindfulness